A sudden loss of someone dear to you can have a great impact on your life. For the older adults, losing family and friends in their old age is more common and this makes every loss even more difficult to bear.
The grieving process
Grief is a psychological and emotional reaction to loss. When you lose someone or something close to your heart, you will expe
rience:
- Immediate reactions - In the first few weeks, you may feel a sense of shock and disbelief that someone close to you is no longer there. You may be in a state of denial and disorientation. Due to the emotional experience, you may experience numbness, shortness of breath, and a heavy chest. You may find yourself crying endlessly but this is normal. For those caring for an ill elderly, this may come as a relief and release.
- Later reactions - After the shock wears off, you begin to gradually get your sense of bearing. Some older adults may feel a sense of panic or fear as they see their peers leaving them. This can be accentuated by the fear of being lonely and some older adults may view their existence as unworthy and may harbour the wish to die. Outwardly, you can become over-reactive and sensitive to what others say or do. Physically, you may be lethargic or even citing ailments that previously were never mentioned before. If your sadness perseveres such that you do not cope as well as you used to, do take note of possible indication of depression (Click here.)
- Making adjustments - Some older adults may be too dejected to make an effort to lead a normal life again. To take the path of recovery, they require support from family members and friends. Many older adults are afraid to ask for help when it comes to their grief. Allow those around you to help you and do not be afraid to let them know what you need. You may just need someone to talk to and this could bring some relief to your emotional wellbeing. Staying at home all day will not help you to feel any better. Take a walk in the park or take up a sport. It can help take your mind off the loss and also occupy your time with meaningful activities.
How can I cope with grief?
Healing starts when you seek and accept support from a number of different sources:
| Family |
The death of a loved one can sometimes bring reunion and reconciliation. Reminiscing about the deceased loved one may help everyone recover from the sorrow. Doing a scrapbook as a memento of your loved one can also be therapeutic. |
| Friends |
True friends can be a good pillar of support, especially when you are living away from your family. Have friends around to distract yourself from thinking too much. Allow your friends to help you with your chores like cooking and buying groceries. |
| Your faith community |
Your religious community can be a source of help and support especially when funeral rites are performed according to your faith. You may be too distraught to make proper arrangements and your religious community can act as advisors and administrators on your behalf. |
| Support groups |
People often bond based on shared experiences. A support group can help to restore a sense of purpose and members of the group will be able to relate to what you are going through and would be sensitive to your needs. This can be comforting to you. |
| Therapists and other professionals |
Talking to a psychotherapist or a counsellor may be necessary if the intensity of your grief does not wane after a few months. Refer to the Seek Help page |
Bereavement
Bereavement is a state of loss which occurs when you may feel that life is meaningless without your deceased loved one arou
nd. You may miss the morning breakfast coffee that he/she used to make, the scent of his/her perfume or even the touch of his/her hands on your shoulder. Every single thing – a place, a gesture, a song or a laughter – can trigger that sense of loss.
You can use this three-step plan to help you deal with bereavement:
1. Take your time to adapt to your loss and do not let other people tell you how to feel. Some well-intentioned friends and relatives may come to you and say that “It is time to move on” or “Get over it”. It may be their way of encouraging you. But, for you, it may hurt. Do not get too affected by their words and accept that you need time to adapt to the loss. Grieve as you need to and in the way that best releases your inner turmoil.
2. Immerse yourself in things you like to do or wish to do. For example, you can re-paint your walls or re-decorate your furnishings to signify a new chapter in life. You may also take up a new hobby, volunteer for a welfare organisation, keep a pet or even take off to some place you have never been before.
3. Plan ahead. Places, songs, anniversaries and milestones in life can stir up memories that can affect you emotionally. You may want to avoid things that trigger sad memories of a loved one. Have friends and family members with you and manage their expectations on how you feel, emotionally and psychologically, so they can be more sensitive to your needs.
Did you know?
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross framed what known to be the “five stages of grief” based on her years of work with terminal cancer patients.
♥ Denial – “This can’t be happening to me!”
♥ Anger – “Why must it be me!”
♥ Bargaining – “I’ll do it in return for my life back.”
♥ Depression – “I might as well give up. Nothing helps.”
♥ Acceptance – “I’m ready to go when the time comes.”
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